Exclusive Column - Rahul Gandhi

This is my second article on India Satire and I came here with great pride and happiness in my heart. I can't express the sense of pride and happiness filled in my heart. I feel my heart has doubled in size as I have never received such wonderful response to my speech. Thanks to all my well wishers and mentors.

Since yesterday evening I saw millions of congratulatory responses on my speech addressing Dalits. Guys like Sanjay Jha, Sachin Pilot and Ajay Maken personally came to me and congratulated for the wonderful speech I gave yesterday. I was overwhelmed by their gratitude towards me. Today I can say only one thing, today is a 'Jupiter Day' for me. Everybody, from my sweeper to cook everyone congratulated me 'Happy Jupiter's day' since morning. Mummy added more butter to my bread and also gave me extra tikhi chatney for my sandwich.

But the real congratulations came from the India Satire which also suggested some improvement in behavior of my Mummy and my mentors and therefore I decided to share how exactly I thought of those golden words.

Truthful to my heart, I have never spoke in front of great Dalit crowd. I have experience of speaking only in front of aam aadmis but never addressed Dalits of India. Therefore, I was a bit nervous yesterday. I thought what would I say in front of Dalits whether our free food scheme, our MGNREGS or something else. But all those schemes were for aam aadmis and not for Dalits. So I was depressed and couldn't really think of what I should be talking about. Then suddenly I recall Mummy's words. She told me when I was in Trinity College that whenever you feel nervous or depressed whenever you fear of any situation then just close your eyes and recall your Mummy's face and every difficulty will go away every problem will get resolved and you will see the solution in front of you. I did the same thing I closed my eyes and recalled her face and suddenly Shashi Tharoor's face came to my mind. Just one day back he was talking some nonsense that 'Congress Party needs Jupiter's escape velocity for success against Narendra Modi'. And now rest is history! 

Rahul Gandhi

When communal leader and my arch-rival in PM's race Narendra Modi said something about toilets I gathered my memories of days when Mummy used to take me to toilet. It might be sounding that my choice of words are wrong but my intentions are genuine. So I used to go to toilets daily. I still recall that experience of sitting alone on that properly cleaned white colored desk. That time I couldn't understand the feeling of relief but today I am well verse of that.

So today I am here to discuss about Modi's mediocre comment on toilets. One thing I have to clarify that it may sound communal but even I used to go to toilet first in the morning and then temple as like Modi. But I think that is the only similarity between two of us having otherwise he is communal and I am Secular. So going to toilet first and temple next is my personal experience but in the government led by Congress Party, every aam aadmi has the right to choose what he wants to do first. I am sure that NDA government will never provide this freedom or right to go to toilet first if it comes to power.

Right to go to toilet is the real derivation of Right for food (Food Security Bill) that Congress Party introduced in Parliament taking a small support from its allies. If you don't have food how can you use this right to relieve your tummy in hardly 5-10 minutes? The Congress government has provided that right to all aam aadmis of India.

I know 69% Indians have no food but faith in the Congress Party. Today, Congress Party has given them right to eat and right to digest but I promise after next elections Congress Party will also give them the right to have hygienic toilets. This is not a false promise made by some regional leader Modi but a national leader who mastered in giving different rights to aam aadmis. Today I promise free hygienic toilets to all 69% poor Indians including Garib Rath trains. They will also use clean white colored toilets and experience pleasure of relief.

India Satire introduces Dr. Know-it-all who answers all the questions in the universe. Guys, this doctor knows everything and important is that he can solve all of your problems. So anything that sucks your brain just shoot.

Our first question comes from a gullible reader who has fallen prey to yet another Internet hoax:

Dear Know-it-all,

I went to the movies with my friends today. We only had two options at our local theater – The Conjuring and Chennai Express. Since we were in the mood for some scares, we chose to see Chennai Express. I recently received a forwarded email which mentioned that anything Deepika says in her Tamil accent, when played backwards, reveals Satanic messages which affect the viewers subliminally. Is that true?

- living in fear

Dear living in fear,

Don't be silly. It's common knowledge that you don't need to play her dialogues backwards to hear those messages.

It's like no one has even heard of snopes. 

The next question comes from a self-proclaimed Indian patriot. Yeah, one of those guys:

Dear know-it-all,

Why is the government trying to push the changes to the RTI act? Does it think that all Indians are idiots and will let them do it?

- A true patriot.

Dear true patriot,

I don't know about other Indians being idiots, but you certainly are one. Can't you see that the call for amendments to the act has finally united all the political parties to fight for a common cause? Even the Independence Day speeches could not do that. I say it's absolutely worth it even if takes a Right To Information Pact(see what I did there?) to get them to act together for once.

Dear Know-it-all,

I've heard rumours that the recent cricket series between India and Zimbabwe was fixed. Was it?

- A cricket fan

Dear cricket fan,

You're right, that series was fixed. But now how you think – there were no towels or other signalling infrastructure involved. After making some detailed inquiries which included some frenzied Googling and asking Prabhakar to shoot some grainy videos, I've come to the inevitable conclusion – all the games were computer generated by the BCCI (I think Randy may be involved too). Now before you dismiss my claim citing the Law of Averages (even I have to be wrong one day), just answer the following question – have you ever met anyone who has claimed to have seen that particular series in person or on television? Exactly. Also, repeated attempts to get any information from Kohli who was the 'captain' for this 'series' were met with non-committal responses like 'Who are you and what have you done to the real milkman?' and 'What are you doing inside my fridge?' and 'No, I will not give you my autograph on that!' I rest my case.

That's it for yet another edition. Just remember what a wise person once said before hitting that send button - 'There's no such thing as a stupid question, only stupid people who ask said questions.'

The doctor is also available at THIS, THAT AND EVERYTHING

You can also contact him personally at

Twitter: @anuj_mathur(https://twitter.com/anuj_mathur)

I always scared in those 2 months ahead my movie release. I always ask that almighty God to somehow fast forward this period as soon as possible and let the movie release first. I have never bothered about movie's record on box office, as most of my movies are wholesale disappointments and height of inanity my concern is the promotion work. I afraid of that stupid fucking marketing activities in which I have to behave like an idiot a$$hole providing some bullshit information to press about my house, my affairs, my kitchen, my toilet, my bathroom and my doggy just to satisfy senses of my fans. Thanks to my beautiful wife Gauri who always give courage to me and just because her unswerving support, I could have managed those scary 2 months till date before every movie of my life. Now I believe that somehow I will manage promotion of 'Chennai Express' too.

Job of any actor is just like a job of politician. After winning election, no politician comes back to his territory for any kind of work he promised. Actors also do same thing. Post movie release, they forget who their fans and journalists. Neither they are interested in meeting journalists nor do they want to see any stupid fan again. But experience of movie promotion is appalling. First of all put a fake smile, give interviews with many lies, make some stupid comments and provide plentiful gossip to journalists so that few stupid fans would fight on TOI or Rediff's comment section and increase the awareness about my brainless movie.

Guys, seriously I never care a shit about Salman Khan, nor does he. But this is for stupid people like you, who want incessant flow of gossip from my side. Forget that. I want to tell you one thing, just because you guys, you and particularly those insane journalists who have IQ below 5 and asks stupid questions like how did you feel working with Deepika again types, I am really pissed off. I don't like girls calling me in a stupid way like 'Oh Cutie Pie' and 'oh sho shweet' or some body builder boy who highly jealous with my relationship with my best friend Karan Johar and dreaming about me in the night. I don't want all these things. I beg with majority of people who are not my fans at all and really have productive and creative work than watching my worthless movies, please pray for me and save me from these dreadful two months.

(Shahrukh Khan is one of the leading Bollywood actors)

After it became clear that Gujarat Chief Minister Narendra Modi will be the PM candidate for BJP, Congress Party Vice President Rahul Gandhi decided to work using various techniques of Applied Research, quantitative formula and empirical science to tackle him.

"I think all the challengers for PM's post, including Manmohan Singh are strong and powerful and therefore I will have to work with patience but still with perseverance. My strategy is clear, by using more and more scientific methodologies I want to achieve more and more granularity in my role towards the Indian voters so that they would understand my clear cut plan of action. I have recently conducted whole new research on Indian political science and found out various empirical evidences about the run to the Prime Minister's post.

Today, reason behind the column for the India Satire is to give my readers an idea of how I will work on the action plan. Many times in Indian social media, I found that people calling me Amul Baby and Buddhu Baba. But I wanted to ask you same question, are you Amul Baby, are you Buddhu Baba? I know even Albert Einstein was called as Buddhuchand, so calling me Buddhu Baba is an honour to me. I will also like to tell you that all the scientist minds look initially look strange species and stupidest people but when they innovate something they become the smartest of all. Actually, I didn't want to talk all about these things but I had to open my mouth for all my 90% fans in India.

Ok, now as the BJP has made it clear that Narendra Modi will be heading its election campaign for 2014 I have to clearly open my action plan in front of my fans to make them secure and more confident against their rivals.

See, I have worked on many complexities and therefore results of my entire research are quite robust. So first of all, I have gone through historical evidences in Indian politics to draw probabilities for the eligible PM candidates. I found out many people who can claim for PM's post, including myself. Then to achieve more and more granularity I worked on scientific methods like quantitative models, applied research methodologies and chemical mental balances of the candidates which took me to 4 major candidates. Then I put down my mathematical equations on one paper, used a long brain storming session with my brain again and again. Tried to find the issues that can haunt me and haunt these candidates during the elections and voter mentality and finally when I reached to the conclusion I found only one candidate against me, and that was Modi.

That made my task easier. Using few quant models, I understood how Modi functions. He will blast on me by asking how I will resolve issues such as corruption and scams but then my action plan is ready. I will ask him tell me how you will resolve. Then he will ask me how I will end the issues like inflation and slow industrial growth, I will ask him tell me how you will resolve. Yes, yes, tell me how will you resolve? Then he will I will solve the complex problems with foreign affairs, then I will ask him tell me how will you solve them? So in my plan of action, I will always remain offensive and smart enough to resolve his unnecessary but sensitive questions. But is he ready to give answers to firmly derived questions through my models? Is there any answer with him about religious issues? Is he ready to answer me, why there is no death of farmers in Gujarat despite severe draught? Is he ready to answer simple question, why there is no electricity scarcity in Gujarat? He has done nothing for Gujarat to get help and assistance from the Central Government, according to my models which I want to bring to the notice of my fan following.

Finally, I have put all the above pros and cons regarding various issues in the elections and put them into my laptop. When I hit the button 'Output' I got the answer which I want to tell my Indian voters. I am 99:01 heading in the elections. The model suggests that Modi will get 1% vote in 2014 elections and that too from BJP leaders.